What “Bids for Attention” Say About Your Relationship
Ever said “Look at this!” to your partner and gotten… nothing back? Or sighed, hoping someone would ask if you’re okay – and they didn’t? Those moments might seem small, but in the world of relationship psychology, they’re actually huge.
In fact, Drs. John and Julie Gottman – the leading minds behind the Gottman Method of couples therapy – refer to these as bids for attention (or more accurately, bids for connection). And they might be one of the strongest indicators of a relationship’s health.
So, What’s a “Bid”?
A bid is any tiny gesture that says, “Hey, are you there with me?”
It could be:
A passing comment: “Check out this photo I found.”
A question: “What should we have for dinner?”
A sigh, a laugh, a cuddle, a grunt (yes, even the grunts).
In a busy world, partners send each other dozens of these every day – without even realising it. What matters is how we respond.
Three Ways to Respond to a Bid
Gottman identified three classic responses to bids:
Turning Toward – You engage, even briefly.
“Let me see!” or “Are you feeling okay?”
Turning Away – You ignore, scroll past, or just don’t notice.
(Silence. Shrug. Scroll.)
Turning Against – You snap or reject.
“I’m busy!” or “What do you want now?”
Here’s the kicker: In healthy, lasting relationships, partners turn toward each other about 86% of the time. That doesn’t mean they’re perfect – it just means they show up, more often than not, in the little moments.
In struggling relationships? That number drops to around 33%.
Why the Little Things Are the Big Things
When we consistently respond to bids – even just with a “mmhmm” or a smile – we’re putting emotional credit in the bank. We’re building trust, emotional safety, and a sense of “you’re not alone.”
And over time? Those small connections stack up.
In contrast, missed or rejected bids can slowly erode the emotional glue in a relationship, especially if one partner keeps reaching out, and keeps getting silence or shutdown in return.
How to Start Noticing Bids
This isn’t about being perfect or hypervigilant. It’s just about being a little more aware.
Try asking yourself:
Is my partner trying to connect right now?
Am I open to that moment, or distracted, tired, stressed?
What happens if I just turn toward instead of away?
And if you’re the one doing the bidding? It’s okay to gently let your partner know:
“Hey, I was trying to connect there – can we come back to that?”
Final Thought: It’s Not Just Romantic
Bids happen in all relationships – with kids, friends, colleagues. But with our partners, they’re the foundation for long-term closeness. Think of them as the heartbeat of the relationship. Miss too many, and the connection weakens. Catch more of them, and the love stays alive.
Feeling like you and your partner keep missing each other in the little moments? A relationship check-in or a few sessions with a WTG counsellor can make a world of difference.